Conflict is a part of life. We will all have things happen to us that make us angry. How we respond to that anger is vitally important to our Christian walk. This week we look at how to respond to conflict in a biblical way. This message is based on Matthew 5:21-25; 18:15-17.
The United States has more lawyers per capita than any other country in the world. This is an old statistic, but in 2005, there were 800,000 licensed lawyers in the United States - one for every 320 people. Obviously, all these lawyers need to have something to do. And as a result, the United States also leads the world in lawsuits. We've all heard the story of Stella Liebeck, who sued McDonald's in 1992 after spilling coffee into her own lap. Stella was awarded $2.9 million in damages by a New Mexico jury, and ever since then, McDonald's, and virtually every other restaurant that serves take out coffee, has to warn people that coffee is hot. You probably haven’t heard of Robert Hornbeck. Hornbeck served in the Army in Iraq. After getting home, he went out and got drunk. Very drunk. He wandered into a hotel's service area (passing several "DANGER" warning signs), crawled into an air conditioning unit, and was severely cut when the machinery activated. Because he was so drunk, he wasn’t able to get himself out, and he bled to death. That’s certainly a tragedy, but it was caused solely by a supposedly responsible adult with military training. Despite his behavior -- and his criminal trespass - Hornbeck's family sued the hotel for $10 million, stating that the hotel should have been able to foresee someone getting drunk and ignoring warning signs and actually climbing inside heavy duty machinery to sleep it off. And I’m betting you haven’t heard about judge Roy L. Pearson Jr. Pearson claims that a dry cleaner lost a pair of his pants, so he sued more than $65 million - for one pair of pants. Representing himself, he cried in court over the loss of his pants, the Superior Court judge wasn't moved: he scolded Pearson for his "bad faith", and awarded damages to the dry cleaners. But Pearson is appealing the decision. Who knows how long that will go on. It’s not my purpose to bash lawyers this morning, but I think, after hearing of these cases, we have to ask ourselves: Is this the best way to handle conflict? Fortunately, the bible has a lot to say about handling conflict. So the topic of this morning’s message is how do we biblically respond to conflict, how do we respond to others in our church family when we feel we’ve been wronged? First, let’s take a look at where these conflicts really come from. It’s important to understand their source if we’re going to understand what to do about them. In James 4:1-2, it says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something, but you don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight.” So make sure you understand this – why do we quarrel and fight? Because of the desires within us. And these are sinful desires, desires of the flesh. We want things that we can’t have. Maybe they’re things like power and prestige, authority, control, we want to look good, feel good, maybe we just want the latest tech gadgets. Whatever it is, the Bible tells us that it boils down to our wanting things. Maybe they’re sinful things, maybe they aren’t, but the bottom line is that quarrels come from our wants and our desires. But are these the things we should want? Shouldn’t we be submissive toward others? In Luke’s account of the last supper, a dispute breaks out about who is the greatest, and Jesus said, “The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them... But you are not to be like that. Instead, the greatest among you should be like the youngest, and the one who rules like the one who serves.” We need to be humble, submitting and serving each other, loving each other. But conflict can still happen. There are times we find ourselves in sharp disagreements with each other. What do we do? How do handle those times? In our readings this morning, we heard from Jesus about how to resolve conflict between believers? We're going to look at these two passages, and then we'll make some observations about handle conflict biblically, based on these two passages. Jesus' advice about conflict resolution in these passages can be boiled down to four simple principles that I am convinced would help resolve 99 percent of the conflicts you are experiencing with other people. They are so short and simple we can say them out loud. Ready? Repeat after me: Quickly, Face to face, One on one, Get help. 1. Do it quickly (Matthew 5:23-25) The section heading that this is found under is titled, “Murder.” Consider that for a minute. Could it be that in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus is warning us that a believer who harbors a deep anger against a brother or sister is just as guilty in God's eyes as a murderer. Is that how God sees anger? If so, we’ve got to be really careful here. Take anger serious – very serious. Let’s look at the verse again, “I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘you fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.” So can you see that this is really serious business? If you are angry with someone, or if you hate someone, that is a sin. And sin will separate you from God. And separation from God for eternity is a very real place the bible calls hell. And if you struggle with anger, you are in very real danger of going there. Do you see how serious this is? And we all get angry sometimes, so I hope we’re all paying attention! If hell is a real danger for those who harbor anger and hate, it’s important to deal with it quickly, right. Don’t take chances. Don’t stay there. Get right quick! Now I know that is hard for a lot of people. When someone has wronged you, you have a right to be angry, at least we think we do. And I know that there might be some of you with some very painful backgrounds. I don't want to minimize the pain you have experienced in abusive relationships, or the pain you felt at the loss of loved ones. This is very real hurt. What Jesus calls for in this passage is not easy, and we may even need to talk to someone, we may need a counselor to help us through that pain, that hurt. So we can move forward. But Jesus is clear in this passage, conflict needs to be handled quickly. In verses 23-24, He even implies that settling conflict is even more important than worshipping God. He says that, and I’m paraphrasing just a little to make it more applicable to us, but, “if you are in the middle of a worship service, and you remember that your brother has something against you, you need to leave the worship service, be reconciled to your brother, and then come back to worship.” Could it be that God won't accept our worship until we make things right with our brothers and sisters? I think so. And I think that’s what 1 John 4:20 says, "If anyone says, 'I love God' yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who hates his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen." So, when you have an issue with another believer, deal with it quickly. How quick is quick? If at all possible, do it same day. Ephesians 4:26 says, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” II. Face to face (Matthew 18:15) Matthew 18:15 says, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault…” So if you have something against someone, go to them and talk it out. That should be the process. Face to face communication seems to get harder every day. It’s so much easier to shoot off an email or a Twitter message or even a Facebook post. Our society is moving further and further away from face to face communication. When Jesus said this, face to face was the only option. You might have able to jot down a note and find someone to deliver it for you, but the vast majority of communication was face to face. Now if you are mad at someone, you can Tweet about it and the whole world knows. But that’s not the right way to handle it. There is value in face to face communication. It’s almost impossible express emotion in an email or a text, and so it's really difficult to communicate, and very easy to misunderstand. And while firing off an angry email gives you a chance to vent or get something off your chest, it usually only complicates things. III. One on one (Matthew 18:15) There is a second part of Matthew 18:15: “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you." So if you have a problem with someone, go to them, and only them. Now I may have just heard something that made me angry. I confess that I have been guilty of this myself. Raise your hand if you ever talked about someone else before you had a chance to talk to someone else. Can we be honest with each other? Let's have some mutual accountability here. We've all done it. Every hand should be raised. But it’s gossip, it’s spreading rumors, and it’s a sin. If we’re going to take a stand against sin, and we’re going to say a sin is a sin, and we’re going to stand firm against sin, then we’ve got to make sure we’re not sinning. Stop the rumors and the gossip – talk face to face, one on one. If you have a problem with someone, don’t talk to anyone else but them about it. The one exception to that rule is when you talk to God about the conflict you are having. This should be a necessary step. Pray about the conflict you are having before you address it with the other person. But go into prayer humbly. Ask God to show you where you might be wrong. Ask for wisdom to help you identify the parts of the conflict that you own, and work on those things before you talk to the other person. I know of a marriage counselor who always applies what he called the "ten percent rule" when couples came to him for counseling. He would try to get each spouse to take responsibility for ten percent of a problem. Most reasonable people will admit to owning ten percent, right? So this counselor would tell each spouse to work on their ten percent before the next session. The idea was that the next time they met, the problem would be 20 percent solved. So pray that God might reveal your part so you can start working on it before you go to the other person. I want to stop and address an obvious issue related to these three principles before we get to the fourth one. What if you can't get to the other person before the sun goes down? What if the sun has gone down on your anger lots and lots of times since you first became angry? Or what if the person you are harboring anger against is dead? I had a serious anger issue with my dad. And I’m not proud of this, but I walked away from him. He died a year and a half later. That really bothered me because I knew there was no way I could make it right. He had Alzheimer’s really bad, so there was no making it right anyway. But I had to come to the point of just letting it go. I couldn’t hang on to the hurt any more. I forgave him. And I moved on. Maybe you have an issue that you can’t address face to face anymore. Maybe you just need to let it go and forgive. IV. Get help if necessary. (Matthew 18:16-17) Now, I think in probably 90% of the time, you won’t need to get to this step. If you stop and pray, you own up to your part, and you go to the person face to face and one on one, you’ll usually find some resolution. In the off chance you can’t, Jesus lays out a biblical system for moving forward. What happens when you and the person you are in conflict with can't resolve things? You let the church help. First, you find one or two trusted, mutual, and objective friends who can help you mediate your conflict. If there is still no resolution, then you take it to the church leadership for the “next steps.” But make sure the first steps are in place first. And don’t ever resort to gossip and rumors to influence other people against the person you’re angry with – you are just piling sin on top of sin – and it’s your sin! I know that the conflicts in our congregation can be resolved if we would just be willing to take these steps. But the first step is to stop spreading gossip and rumors - that’s not the way to deal with a conflict. If someone comes to you with gossip or rumors, stop them and remind them they need to talk directly to the person they’re talking about. If you have something against someone, go to them. And only them. Go Quickly. Face to face. One on one. And about 90% of our conflicts would be resolved. If you need it, there is help – but that part is a last resort. Do your part first. During our time of invitation, I'd like you to think through any relationships that may have gone sideways in your life. Remember the priority Jesus put on resolution: it may be that resolving this conflict is even more important than coming back to worship next week. If you need any special prayer this morning, come forward…
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